100 Things

1. My father and grandfather both died of cancer. They also both smoked. Pipes. Regardless of that, I sometimes think I have cancer but have never actually checked to see if I have cancer, and I kind of doubt it but you never know.
2. My last physical exam was in 1977 when I entered high school. I am having another one on the 7th. I think the rectal exam will not be so scary this time.
3. I have never been in a relationship, let alone a long-term relationship, mostly because I could never picture anyone being interested in me so I never pursued anyone who showed even the slightest interest because they probably have no taste. Two relationship! Two! Who'd've guessed it? (see #67)
4. I never recognize flirting. Even in writing. Even if someone says, "I am flirting with you." Even if they are naked. Which never actually happens anyway, but I like going to extremes.
5. I never go to extremes, but I like pretending that I do.
6. Every friend I have ever had believed that I hated them when we first met.
7. I once tried holding onto a friendship longer than the friend wanted to hold onto it and was so embarrassed by the experience that I now overcompensate and make others do all the work.
8. I am surprisingly emotional about Cool Whip.
9. I have played Oscar and Tevye on stage. Tevye is like a Rex Harrison part. He sings, sure, but not really.
10. I love to dance but rarely do unless I am inebriated. I am told I am a good dancer, but I feel I perform too angularly and not sinuously enough.
11. Gene Kelly over Fred Astaire.
12. Neither Coke nor Pepsi. Root Beer. Preferably Virgil's Microbrew.
13. I eat in cycles, which is to say that I go to the store and buy boxes of things and then eat the boxes all week long, so I usually have the same meals over and over and over.
14. I have patience for everything except blatant stupidity.
15. I hate lima beans more than any other food, with the possible exception of hominy.
16. I am lately much enamored of stretchy fabrics, like cotton and spandex, because they are soft, they don't easily wrinkle and they feel good on. Almost everyone is carrying stretch garments, and I can personally recommend the Banana Republic stretch T shirts, although the ones at Club Monaco are more my monochromatic style.
17. I am not afraid of death. (see #100)
18. I cannot remember what my father's face looked like.
19. I own over 1,000 CDs.
20. I cannot make a decent Lemon Drop, but my Bloody Marys are killer.
21. My favorite cheese is MuensterPierre Robert, but it would probably be Raclette except for all the prep work involved (which is actually my favorite part, but I hate cleaning dishes). It goes without saying, therefore, that I love fondue parties.
22. I pick the eye grit from the corner of my eyes at night after removing my contacts but before squeezing my nose pores.
23. I squeeze my nose pores. Because I like watching the white worms of sebum appear.
24. I write one check a month (rent), otherwise I do everything via the Web (billpay services through Wells Fargo, PayPal, credit cards, and so on).
25. White wine gives me a headache. Champagne, however, does not.
26. I am alergic to mussels, but I can eat any other shellfish and have no other food allergies.
27. I don't like wearing jewelry, but I feel a bit lost without a wristwatch.
28. My most embarrassing clothing purchase was spending $100 on a cotton T-shirt. It is navy blue with lavender piping on the sleeves and collar. It is from Ferragamo and I look killer in it.
29. I have a decent singing voice.
30. I am hairy.
31. I smoke when I have had a few drinks in me because I think it looks cool. I regret it later when I smell the cigarettes on my fingers because I care more about what I smell like than the fact that I may be killing myself for the sake of looking cooler.
32. My cologne of choice is Acqua di Parma.
33. "The usual" is a SapphireTanqueray #10 and tonic.
34. I love a black and tan, but I think it's more about being impressed with the logistics of it rather than the taste.
35. My favorite musical form is either melancholy pop (epitomized by David Sylvian, Tori Amos, Dead Can Dance), or slow jazz dance (Nightmares on Wax, De-Phazz, Hotel Costes et al.).
36. Comfort food: Mashed potatoes.
37. Underwear: Tightie whities.
38. Lance Arthur is my real given name. My mother claims she never got the connection between Sir Lancelot and King Arthur until later. I suffered greatly in grade school with the many rhymes for Lance, including dance, ants, pants and romance.
39. I can speak in a weird helium-like voice sans helium. It sort of sounds like that Star Wars character everyone hates, only less intelligible.
40. I will never make the first move (initiating contact) because...
41. I am afraid of intimacy (I often flinch when people touch me and am extremely uncomfortable getting naked, or even taking my shirt off). Thank you, therapy!
42. I look good in orange.
43. Sometimes when I hear a ringing in my ears for no apparent reason, I think I am being observed by aliens and will perform somewhat outlandish acts or speak out loud and say stupid things so they are confused about how we behave so when they come down to take over the world posing as us, their behavior will either be so weird that we'll be able to easily pick them out, or they'll get their own show on MTV.
44. I was a vegetarian twice out of guilt. The smell of cooking beef always draws me back.
45. I am against the naming of inanimate objects, such as cars. I favor the naming of stuffed animals and/or things that resemble living creatures but really aren't. Exception: plants.
46. I still enjoy Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Dinner, occasionally.
47. Samantha over Jeannie.
48. I cannotshould not get a tan. My dermatologist told me in no uncertain terms. "You have the wrong kind of skin." Meaning white and pasty.
49. I have snorted coke, toked marijuana and inhaled amyl. That is the extent of my drug use.
50. I have a large birthmark on the outer part of my right leg above the knee. It isn't shaped like anything. It's just a big dark splotch.
51. When I was born, I had an epidural hematoma. It was drained without complication.
52. I have never broken a bone or had an operation of any kind.
53. I have noone fillings and all my teeth, except for one wisdom tooth.
54. I have worn glasses or contacts since the seventh grade.
55. I chew my cuticles in lieu of biting my nails.
56. I have never seen an opera.
57. I have accidentally killed every pet I ever owned through neglect (not feeding the parakeet, not filling the newt's tank, leaving the top off the hamster cage so the cat could eat him, etc.) and decided very early that pet-ownership and, in a larger sense, parenthood was not for me. I still sometimes contemplate getting a dog or cat to lessen the loneliness but decide that it is not a good idea because they might ruin my nice furniture, particularly the Eames lounger. I never contemplate having children because A) I'm too old now anyway and B) I am too selfish and unequipped emotionally.
58. I love the smell of Vick's VapoRub.
59. I had my first alcoholic drink when I was 23. (see #97)
60. I think feet are ugly.
61. I have an STD (oral herpes) that I got from drinking from a glass of a co-worker. I'm so boring I can't even do that right.
62. I truly believe that Alexis fell in love with Josh because he is a younger, sexier, smarter, less-gay carbon copy of me.
63. I enjoy feeling sorry for myself.See #41
64. I love Las Vegas because it's tacky and it knows it, and it doesn't care.
65. Sometimes I try out new HTML tags just to see if there are cool undocumented HTML tags like <poo> or <homer>, but so far... not so much.
66. Favorite phrase of the moment: "They're dancing in German!"
67. I am afraid that I don't know how to love anyone.
68. I wonder if life is worthwhile without that knowledge.
69. I pretend that it is by not thinking it about too much.
70. I have not eaten at a McDonald's since making a New Year's Resolution on January 31st, 1999.I confess that I enjoy a Sausage McMuffin with Egg on occasion.
71. I have lost a total of 65 pounds during the same period, although the two things are only tangentially related.
72. I would rather live in the mountains than on the beach.
73. I never discuss my sex life because I don't have much of one.
74. Favorite designer currently: Ermenegildo Zegna.
75. Designer I love to hate: Ralph Lauren.
76. I am usually singled out during dinner at a restaurant with friends as the person who knows how to choose a wine. In reality, most wine today is very good regardless of year, vintner or vine and the choice usually comes down to "what's affordable and will be enjoyed by the most people at this table?"
77. My favorite wine is Australian Syrah, followed by California Cabernet. I am less familiar with European wines, but I intend to remedy that.
78. I don't like white wine, but I love Champagne.
79. Any degree of success I have realized in life came in spite of myself.
80. I wish I was a stage actor.
81. I believe that everyone should own an iPod. (see #19)
82. Most people have bad taste, which explains America in a nutshell.
83. My fantasy job is Public Fashion Consultant, which would allow me to go up to people anywhere and give them advice concerning what they are doing wrong with their wardrobe or personal grooming. I would be paid a stipend by the government for performing these services, but could also be hired by individuals for negotiable sums (if you're rich, you pay more. if you need desperate help, I give you a break just to make it easier on the rest of us to look at you).
84. There is no one I miss from my High School days.
85. I dropped out of college because I didn't want to fulfill the prerequisites for graduation by taking classes for anything other than for my major. I do not regret it.
86. I regret that I did not attend a big college somewhere other than my hometown for the cultural benefits.
87. When I saw the Rolling Stones, Prince was the opening act. He was booed off the stage. The other two acts in the concert were George Thorogood and the Destroyers and The J Geils Band. They played full sets.
88. I can name the fifty states in alphabetical order because I was forced to memorize a song in the fifth grade called "Fifty Nifty United States."
89. I played the flute and the baritone horn in elementary school (one in orchestra, the other in marching band). I can play neither now.
90. Though I am gay, the best kiss I ever received was from a woman.I take that back sooooo much.
91. The first time I was Frenched, I gagged. She had been smoking and drinking and I had been doing neither, but I kept kissing her because, hey, French. (The previous note is not related to this one, except coincidentally.)
92. I believe that everything is worthless except for the worth the owner gives it.
93. Pepto Bismol makes me vomit.
94. I have an overactive gag reflex. Sometimes I gag on my toothbrush.
95. Salty more than sweet — in all things.
96. I am shy. Or self-conscious. Unless they are the same things, in which case I am both at the same time.
97. People usually like me better when I am drunk. But not too drunk.
98. My favorite toy as a child was Lite Brite. I think it was the combination of being pretty and electric and also the curiously satisfying feeling I got from shoving the colored pegs through the black paper on the screen's grid.
99. I used to think that hell was being buried upside down, head first, in a sea of shit.
100. I used to think that heaven was a mansion in which each room had a pinball game that I had never played before.

See also:

• Two Hundred Things
• Fifty Firsts
• Gangs of Four