Straight to the Point

How to tell if you’re straight, and what you can do to hide it from others.

With the recent decision by California to strip straight couples of their Constitutional right to marriage — a decision already echoed in one way or another by 29 other states, including GeorgiaArkansas voters’ (sorry, it’s easy to get confused, but since neither state allows you to get married, who cares?) recent approval of denying straight people from adopting children — I feel it’s important now to help those of you struggling with your lifestyle choice, and to help you fit in with those of us who are normal.

I know you may be feeling depressed right now, but please believe that not all of us gay people think you’re entirely sick, depraved, abnormal and not deserving of love. After all, marriage is almost exactly the same as a civil union, accept for some of the things about next of kin and so forth, but since you so rarely stay with your partners for more than a few years and insist on fooling around so much, does that really matter? And this was in no way a referendum on legitimizing prejudice or discrimination with an attempt to place these definitions into the state constitution. We don’t hate you.

We just think you’re not entitled to the same rights as us. I mean, really, how can you possibly argue with that while you’re cheating on your spouses and wearing those outlandish clothes?

1. Try not to act straight.
   In our society, we can tolerate a lot. Tolerance is our goal. We want to tolerate you. But the fact that you keep insisting on some sort of special rights and parade around in those clothes and gesture like you do and everything — frankly, it’s disgusting. Stop it. Fitting in is what it’s all about. Be like us, and we’ll tolerate you more easily.
2. Accept that your lifestyle choice is unnatural.
   The idea that being straight is anything other than a choice you’ve made is ludicrous. Most of us can’t even fathom the idea of it. The desire to be together with someone of the opposite sex just makes no sense whatsoever. What do you possibly have in common? Your attempts at convincing the rest of us that it’s somehow “natural” (and using the fact that some animals enjoy having sex with their opposites only proves that you’re like animals yourselves) is hardly more than a joke. We know why you claim you’re straight — you want to be able to have sex with everyone! You can’t control yourselves! No, my straight friend, what you’re doing is wrong. It’s not the way God intended. Why do you think they’re called “opposite sexes?” Hello?
3. Your own behavior causes the problems you face.
   I know you want to blame us for keeping you down, but it’s the way you act all straight and shove it in our faces that causes most, if not all, of your problems. Holding hands in public. Kissing each other in movies while I have to sit right by you. Flaunting your abnormal desires in pornographic films starring men and women actually attempting to have sex with each other. It’s immoral and disgusting. The fact that 50% percent of first hetero marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third hetero marriages end in divorce is proof enough that you don’t deserve the right to marry. You don’t even believe in it yourselves!
4. Act more gay.
   Frankly, we would be happy to tolerate your place in society if you could just tone down on the straightness routine you insist on faking. All the sports metaphors that no one finds funny. Those baggy clothes. That hair! What are you trying to prove, anyway, that you’re different? We know you’re different! That’s the whole problem! Stop acting so straight all the time, and act more gay. Go to the theatre. Read a fucking book. Buy more shoes. You honestly think we don’t know that those are the same shoes you wore yesterday? Get a clue.
5. Face the truth.
   Here’s the the real truth you refuse to accept. You can marry anyone you want to, as long as they’re not the opposite sex! What’s the problem? You’re only faking the whole straight thing, anyway. Or you’re wrong in the head and you only think you’re straight. Or you were abused by a parent when you were young and now you hate your father so you think you want to be with a woman instead of how things should work. If you’re a man and you want to be with a woman, ask yourself why you prefer being with someone who doesn’t share your sexual equipment. What the hell do they know about a penis? How are they ever going to make you feel good? Can’t you see how little sense that makes?

I hope I’ve been able to provide some good, down-to-earth rules for you and that I’ve managed to pick up your spirits after yesterday’s triumphant — er, I should say, disappointing failure of your fellow Californians to screw with the natural order of things and start treating you with equality, or however you’re phrasing the idea that a straight couple should enjoy the same rights as a gay couple.

I can’t honestly say “I know how it feels” because I’m gay so I’m normal. And I wish I could offer some advice other than “get over it,” and “what did you expect?” Straight people are weird, you want all these special rights and unfair treatment. Next thing you know you’ll want schools to start teaching that being straight is as natural as being gay.

Right. Like that’ll ever happen.