What was it? How come I was so different? I decided then and there to fake it, to convince them (and myself) that I was just like them and I really liked these pictures of fat-boobies and hairy crotches and eyes like demons. I looked through one magazine after another, trying to find a picture sufficiently scary and inversely grotesque to my sensibilities that I could use to pass for a believable desire.

I think I am becoming less gay because I could hardly bring myself to watch the Academy Awards last night. It doesn’t help that I have been hopelessly out of touch with the movies this (last) year and still haven’t…

A first date is always frightening to some degree. You’re throwing caution to the wind and admitting you’re lonely and desperate enough to want to put on your best clothes, shower, shampoo, shave… some part of your body, and leave the comfort of your home, apartment or cave and meet someone else who, one is safe in assuming, is exactly as lonely and desperate as you are.

But love… love is worth it. For all the trials by fire you’ll have to endure, and the lies and the cheats and the lovers who spurn you, it’s worth it.

I wish I could rail on endlessly about inane issues to deflect attention from trivial little problems like failing wars and rampant drug use and racism in the courts and, well, Florida. But instead I am forced to come here this afternoon and explain why we absolutely must be allowed to marry our beloved boyfriend or girlfriend or facsimile thereof.

Ooh, that was awfully narrow-minded and prejudiced of me. See, we all have things in common! Let’s celebrate!

Our first guest for Sexual Orientation Orientation Day is Mr. Leonard Smith representing the Heterosexual World Order, sponsored by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, The Boy Scouts of America, The Salvation Army and Coca Cola Bottling of Dallas, Texas.

As you all know from yesterday’s all-school, mandatory attendance assembly in the cafetorium, every student is required to pick their sexuality. You’ve all heard about ‘the choice,’ and that was it.